loathe.

Loss. It’s not something I have ever been comfortable talking about due to major loss of my own. It hurt. It was a disgusting hovering absence that was present in everything I did and thought. I lost my Father 9 days after my 19th birthday. I lost my foundation, the one person I thought was invincible was no longer here. Becoming destructive was my life for the next few years. Who am I kidding, I am still a bit off. Unresolved questions still ruin me. Missing him is a normalcy. I figured I was prepared to deal with anything after this. I was wrong. 

It’s coming up on a year since I lost another life. This life is different. This life impacted others in a positive way. This life had potential that could have shaken any foundation because of how he was raised. This life belonged to Gage Seal. Knowing him as my nephew I got the best parts of him. Pick ups from girlfriends house, secret talks about parents, driving illegally in my lap, in n out dates, baseball practice pickups, laughing and making fun of my husband until we both cried and so much deeper. It is a friendship that I feel was more beneficial to me than him. His views and outlook on things was mind blowing. He was so positive and had this drive about him as if you could place a mountain between him and his goal and the mountain would be no longer in a quick minute. Gage would be out skate boarding for hours without let up, I could bribe with all the goods and dollars and he would stand firm….. I love this boy. He was taken from us too soon and without warning or a chance to really tell him thank you. I am the cool aunt because I have rad nieces and nephews, Gage was the leader of them all. The oldest.

It’s not only that we don’t get to see him, hug him and hear him around us. His family is no longer the same. My family wakes up in the house where they raised him, walk the same halls, pass by his room. They live with the loss. I see the loss, hear it in their voices and feel it in their presence. 

Admiration, fear and love is all I feel these days. I admire my brother and my sister for pushing forward even though their lives are standing still. I admire my other family members for the support and love they pour and continue to shower on them. I admire my husband for becoming that much more of a protector and supporter of his family. I admire the community they live in for supporting Gage and his dreams of baseball and skatbording. 

I fear for the future. A future without is no future at all. So we live as if we don’t have a tomorrow. Life is not life without you Gage. We just live day by day hoping tomorrow will come and be a bit easier. It’s not though.

I am a lover. I give love and feel love because of who I have around me. My husband is the backbone inside me, the veines carrying all my blood throughout me and the part of my brain that is all things good. He is my better half in every aspect of that dumb phrase. My daughter is a lover of life, she shows me love in random places. My son just smiles and my ovaries explode. Trust me love is surrounding me. I am even loved back by these crazy people I call my family.

Sitting here talking about loss really has me feeling humble, lucky and greatful to be here. Thank you Billy and Kristen for giving me that little boy. I promise everyday Gage I will love, live and give life all I have. I’m proud to be you’re aunt. 

“Life is not life without love” – Gage Seal

8.23-eternity

  

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